Today at 5:30am my best friend in the world entered the kingdom of the LORD!

When I say my best friend I mean the most amazing,loving,beautiful women I have ever met,My grandmother Pauline!

I can’t start to tell you how she changed my life how she made me a better person,the women was amazing. I don’t even know what to say to put into world how much I looked up to her and loved her.

She had some much love for people,and the kindness that sprend around our small town. She was a teacher,a homemaker,a mother,a grandma,sister,wife,aunt. She was just amazing.

I’ve been thinking about her all day today. Wondering how she was welcomed to kingdom. Did my grandfather come to her side my side with the LORD and Our other family that rest in the Kingdom? What did she do when she saw them,her mother and father,her brothers and sister, her husband and son and granddaughter . Did She dance with joy,fall to her knees and praise the LORD.

 I know they are things that I will never know till I make my way to the Kingdom myself. But for now I picture her in the arms of the LORD and being hand in hand with her soul mate. kissing her mama and daddy on the cheek.

FOr now I think the LORD for giving me a beautiful role model. She was truely a gift from GOD that how now returned to him and is at peace and out of pain!

Even thou my heart is broken I want her to know that I’m happy for her she flow away like she wanted to and now she will be where ever I am.

When I think of her I think of the hymn “I’ll fly away”

Some glad morning when this life is o’er,
I’ll fly away;
To a home on God’s celestial shore,
I’ll fly away (I’ll fly away).

Chorus
I’ll fly away, Oh Glory
I’ll fly away; (in the morning)
When I die, Hallelujah, by and by,
I’ll fly away (I’ll fly away).

2.
When the shadows of this life have gone,
I’ll fly away;
Like a bird from prison bars has flown,
I’ll fly away (I’ll fly away)
Just a few more weary days and then,
I’ll fly away;
To a land where joy shall never end,
I’ll fly away (I’ll fly away)

I love you grandma,give everyone my love to everyone. I’ll see you again one day. I’ll be here making you proud in the mean time!!!

So over the years of living in Kansas,I feel like I had my fair share of life adventures…Sometimes they were mis-adventures. None the less they were there and made me either feel alive or got me in trouble.

Do you feel the but coming,well it is.

But I have just set out on my own,starting the new life journey as a some to be college kid,living alone adult. That’s a scary thought but I love it.

I’m going to make this list,of the thing I want to say I did by 2013,or just in life but 2013 is a start!

Here we go…. Top 6 things I want to do before 2013.

1.Go to Forks,Washington (Yes,I know twilight ehhh eww whatever. But I have a love hate thing going on with Twilight.)ohh and It’s flipping stunning there that area.

2.) Bring someone to the LORD. ( I have always wanted to say I helped that person the LORDs love ,but I always get shy about sharing my love. So No more!!!)

3.)Go to more booksigning! ( Can’t be a list unless you are well Nerdfighting,this also means I would like to read MORE books)

4.) Be amazed more! ( I don’t how that we happen,I just know that I want to say “That was amazing” And mean it, more than 10 times this year.)

5.) Have a standing relationship.(Yes I’m young but living in a small town I never had the chance to do the whole boyfrined thing.)

6.)Remember the things I love, there are so many things I love doing,singing being one of those and I just stopped doing them. I want to remember the things I love and start doing them again.

7.) Here is my added one, I want to go on a mission trip,help more,and be more!

I hope that everyone had a wonderful and beautiful New Year With there friends,families,pets, whoever.

I’ll write to you soon.

DFTBA

~Xavia

So I’m sitting here thinking about,the New Year.

A whole year has come and got in the blink of an eye.

And so much has happened in that year!!

I Finished high school,crazy I know didn’t think I was going to get out and done ever.

I was Re-baptized at my summer camp! Make my Love of the Lord New and amazing!

I went on my trip Mission Trip (kinda) Ok it was a Large Youth Event in Indiana. Youth 2011

I went to Portland twice and fell in love with it!!

Also on one trip to Portland, My uncle Ron Past away of Lung cancer.

I had a few bad things happen in 2011 but I do believe it made me stronger and ready for 2012.

I learned so much, How much I love being in school and missed it!

How to be more than just a girl,christan,sister! I learned that I’m not so good at being away from my family.

How to be a better sister,friend,aunt,daughter and Grand-daughter.

But at the same time I still have some more to learn, I just got into a trade school. Moved away from home and realize how real the world is,and how much I miss the comforts of my home.

I figured that I want to do so much in 2012 that I will be learning so much more this next year! I must say I excited to see what the Lord has in story for me and how much I will learn and grow in the next year!!

 I hope that everyone has a safe and beautiful new year!!!

May the Lord Guide you and bless you!!

~Zavia

dearmeat:

Though I hurt, I smile.
And though I cry, I laugh.
Though I’ve lived through Hell,
I’ve seen the light of the heavens.
Though I’ve walked alone in Darkness,
I know even Darkness ends.
Evil attacks, brings me down,
Evil wants me gone.
But in the end Good will win.
I will make sure of it.
The Gods are on my side,
Good is in need of what I bring.
I may not have power,
But I am important and have influence.
We will fight, Evil will fall.
…
You have been warned.

Signed,
Unbreakable.

I came across this poem by Maya Angelou while I was cleaning my room this week. I got it when I went on a youth trip this summer,reading it again made me think.

I always get told ow I should and shouldn’t ask because I am a Christians,or who I should and should not love because I am christian. I don’t know I think that I’m still young and that all of it is a big mix message but here is the poem. I think that I will help me when I’m feeling lost from now on.

“A woman’s heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man should have to seek Him first to find her.”When I say…”I am a Christian” I’m not shouting “I’m Clean living’”

I’m whispering”I was lost.Now I’m found and forgiven.” When I say…”I am a Christian” I don’t speak of this with pride.

I’m confessing that I stumble and need Christ to be my guide.

When I say…”I am a Christian”I’m not trying to be strong I’m professing that I’m weak and need His strength to carry on.

When I say… ” I am a Christian”I’m not bragging of success.

I’m admitting I have failed and need God to clean my mess.

When I say “I am a Christian”I’m not claiming to be perfect,My flaws are far to visible but,God believes I am worth it.

When I say…”I am a Christian” I still feel the sting of pain…

I have my share of heartaches,so I call upon His name.

When I say…”I am a Christian” I’m not hoiler than thou,I’m just simple sinner Who received God’s grace,somehow!

Who said that being overweight was something that I wanted in life.Somedays when I go out in the world I think oh,wow people are more accepting that you are overweight and will treat you like I’m just a normal kid,But days like today I see that the world is cruel and mean.

Don’t get me wrong I knew that the world was like this so dont give me the,oh thats just the real world and blah blah blah.

But at what point do you say enough you know nothing about me and you never will by the way you treat me.

Today,someone told me “Hey Ms.fat-bitch when you going to go in for your appointment with Mr.treadmill.Its been a long time in waiting?” After I had asked why they were being so cruel and hurtful for not knowing me or knowing my life or my story they went on to say “For the same reason you are always hungry..Its just natural”

Stuff like that normallydoesn’t bother me I just brush it off but today it hit me hard. I’ve been crying because I’m proud of myself for what I’ve done in the pass two months.I have worked so hard,I’m trying my best.

At this moment it feels like  two step forward and five steps back.I’m never hard to bring down.I have no self confidants.I hate my body,but I’m dealing with what God has given me because that what I am told to do by my Lord.

To all my friends and family who have stood by me.Been my friends,loved me.Because the bigger the better you are the best people in my life and you understand and know what I’ve been Thur.Thank you for never being mean and loving me for me.

There is beauty from pain and I cant wait to show you all what I’m made over and what I look like after all this over.

Being a teen is a hard time,being a teen girl is an even harder time.We go through so many changes in life so many different things that guys and some grown-ups just don’t understand now days.Girls can be the cruels and must vile things out there today,if you don’t do your hair right,if you don’t have designer clothes,or maybe your just different and trying to find out who you really are.It’s hard to be a teen girl,and then we have the bright idea to throw that silly little thing called love in there and well we throw everything out the window and start with a WHOLE new drama.Not saying that guys are bad,because they aren’t we do need them in the world.Like they say cant live with them cant live without them. And some days believe me I think that I could live with out them and that is the final word.

It’s funny I’ve never really had a boyfriend till a few months ago.I like the feeling he dives me when we talk or see each other but sometimes I really think is it all worth it. Maybe it’s the fact that when I went to public school well I was pretty,i wasn’t a flirt,and I really just didnt like any of the guys like that,I mean ive got to school with the same guys since I was 5 and so there not really much there but a good brotherly friendship.

When I started homeschooling,I thought maybe I should look into dating.I wouldn’t mind having a boyfriend.Someone to talk to,a shoulder to cry on,and a person that will make me laugh.I almost gave up till I found that guy.You know ladies, the one that checks off all those little details on the little metal list you have going in your head( don’t lie you know you have one). He;s sweet,kind,makes me laugh till I cry and is always there to listen to me when I just have that all together bad day.

But once you get passed that honeymooner stage where everything is cakes baked with rainbows and love you hit that you make me wonder part in life and think maybe I wasn’t so clear when I checked those metal marks in my head.

I guess I never really excepted to find anyone the suites me to the T and make me happy 24/7,But as a teen sometimes that’s what I want the most,I want some that will make everything better and perfect and love me for all those little crazy betch moments that I have. I know that as a teenager is like 20% chance that I’m going to find the one. But wishful thinking of the teenage mind say you’ll be together forever.

I know that its just the I want a fairytale ending and a happily ever after but I think that I can wait till I’m a little older and wiser at making that chose  and if its so happens that my fairytale prince is the guy that I’m with now.I’m ok with that but for right now I just say

“Why must I be a teenager in love”

That’s all that I really have on my mind at this blasting cold hour of the early morning,I’m hoping that getting this off my chest will help me feel better and help me go to sleep.

Thanks reading and I’m write to you soon,

Xavia

dearmeat:

  I would appreciate it if you stopped blowing your second-hand smoke in my face. The car exhausts are already doing that job, and they are doing a pretty good job at it too. 

Sincerely,

An asthmatic guy.